Thursday, March 26, 2009

I think I've just about hit the end of my enthusiasm for working at home. At this point, I think it's tolerance. I'll be honest and say it's really taken a toll on my psyche and motivation. For those of you reading this from your desks at work, hearing your annoying cubicle neighbor or falling asleep in front of the screen, having to commute or face traffic every day, I can almost feel the communal eye roll. I know it's not all roses having to go to work either. I've been there. I've seen the light start to fill my apartment after a fitful night of sleep and wished that I didn't have to get up in an hour. I've cursed the mornings and myself for not being able to get the better of them as I'm once again, a few minutes late to work. I've hated my cubicle neighbor and the no space heater policy at most offices. I've had to deal with unbelievable bullshit of office politics, intolerable work environments that I just couldn't take, chinless nosy admins, and annoying bosses.

But, what I'm dealing with now can only come from isolation. Sure, many people are home during the day. After all, it's Los Angeles...c'mon. But, it's not the same, nor constant. I'm usually working, or in trying to stay awake to finish a job so that I can take that coveted nap. My days and nights have flopped again, but thankfully not as bad as they were, and I've completely lost my motivation and confidence in looking for a full-time job. It's from feeling separated from the world, which for the past few months I have. So, I feel like I don't know it anymore. Frankly, I'm a bit nervous about it. It's why I applied to the bookstore a couple weeks ago. That would at least get me out of the house and have me back to socializing in a work environment. As much as I enjoy my solitude, I do require a daily dose of conversation or interaction.

I'm also not making it financially. I'm making just under what I can barely sustain myself on, which means that I'm falling a little more behind each month. This job has a limited number of hours that I'm allowed to work, so that keeps the money low. Granted, I love seeing my work up on a major entertainment site, but I'm burned out and fading. I've lost a lot of luster for things, a direct result of so much time with myself and at home during the day. I think it's obvious on this blog that there aren't as many posts nor stories, and that's because I think my brain has shut down a little. And, because of the money situation, it's not like I can afford to take classes of any kind, such as painting or writing. As a result, I don't have a recharge button.

So, how to get out of this conundrum during a recession is going to be interesting. If it's not the lack of jobs, the depression is sitting on my head like a bully about to squeeze out a fart. And yeah, it's been bad. More than I've let on here. I can function, but I'm about so much more than just functioning. In fact, fuck functioning. I'm tired of operating at this base level and hate what is happening to my industry. Some of the job ads I read are comical for the experience they're asking for and what they are willing to pay. I've sent some fantastic responses to the most ridiculous ones...under a different email of course. Other jobs that seem promising just disappear. And, other days I forget to look because I can't see past the cocoon of isolation and that there's something beyond it. The thing is, I'm tired. Tired of the same old and tired of hustling for the next gig. So, I'm looking for full-time, which in these economic times is a rarity. I won't however, settle for a clown house like my last full-time job at the fashion company.

Hopefully something decent will pan out eventually. I'll just have to dig deep to find the energy to keep at it. Send good thoughts my way.

No comments: