Monday, February 23, 2009

Sometimes I can be such an idiot when it comes to taking my medication. It's the classic case of me having no sense of time and the feeling okay, so I forget to take it bullcrap that gets so many people on any kind of prescription into trouble. I'm on an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety medication that I'm supposed to take every day. Of course, I forget and I'll skip a day, or two...or three. I always knew I wasn't the best at remembering to take them every day, but I learned how bad that I'd gotten when in December, I needed to get a prescription filled and the woman told me I'd filled my last one over 60 days ago. My prescriptions are for thirty days. I felt well...like an idiot.

Now, for the last 24 hours I've been dealing with nausea that feels all too similiar to when I got sick a while ago. However, this time I got a clue. I realized once again that I haven't taken my medication for several days. I know when I've gone too long because I get a little dizzy if I turn my head, or get weird "waves" in the corner of my eyes. Now, after a little Google search, I learned that the symptoms can include nausea and chills as well, which I'm experiencing right now. I rarely get nauseous, and it's the one thing that I'm a big baby about. I wouldn't be one of those people that could tough out nausea if I were counted on to do it. The show would not go on for me. I hate it, and in my case, nausea can trigger a panic attack for me. Knock on wood, it hasn't done that in a while. But, the knowledge that it can is what gets at me.

So, now I'm sitting up at 6:00 AM, not having slept and waiting for the pharmacy to open at 9:00 so I can get my prescription filled and work on getting my medication levels back to normal. I'm also going to buy one of those pill schedule things for the week so I won't be such an asstool when it comes to remembering to take a pill every day.

The only reason I'm not angry as I could be at myself, is at least I've linked the out of the blue nausea to the most likely culprit. And because I'm such a big baby about feeling tummy icky, it's a valuable lesson to learn that will hopefully motivate me not to repeat this again. It's not healthy to miss doses, and certainly not beneficial when I'm trying to manage depression.

I watched the Oscars while cleaning last night, stopping only to see if Heath Ledger won for supporting actor. I was both thrilled and heartbroken when he did, which is a lesser degree of probably what his family felt. I hope wherever he is, he knows he's not forgotten. And, that his magnificent portrayal of the Joker most certainly inspired some other kid to start acting, who will end up collecting their own Oscar one day. I'm sure that has already been set in motion.

I was also surprisingly moved when they were reading the nominees for Best Actor. I have HDTV for several channels that broadcast in it, so it's crystal clear. When they got to Mickey Rourke, who is a character in his own right, I noticed his hand, that he was holding near his chin, trembling. Call me crazy, but that just got to me. Here was this person who has been to hell and back, dresses eccentrically in a don't mess with me rock star fashion, but when it came down to it, he was trembling at the possibilities of that moment. All of a sudden, Mickey Rourke wasn't a caricature of himself. He was you or me with an incredible achievement so close that you can reach out and touch it. I didn't see Sean Penn in "Milk." I'm sure he was brilliant. I also haven't seen "The Wrestler." But, because of that bit of humanity that peeked through the rings, hair, plastic surgery, necklaces, suntan, goatee, white jacket, tattoos, sunglasses, watch chain, vest and unbuttoned silk shirt, I was pulling for Mickey Rourke. I think he was surprised as anyone that someone was brave enough to take a chance on him, which led him to sitting where he was. And at that exact moment, he realized just how important that Oscar was and let himself want it.

I think that's something we could all benefit from knowing... That it's okay to let ourselves want something once we've worked through the demons to realize we're worthy of having it.

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