Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I know, I know. Long time no postie.

It's been a hectic day today which has left me a bit "weird." I had to do a rush to get my taxes in, which always makes me ponder my tendency to procrastinate things like this. Truth is, I hate forms, paperwork and anything that makes no sense to me. I just don't get taxes, the deductions, terms or whatever and I chose to put it off. Even though everything was itemized, ready to go, I still found myself standing at my accountant's office begging to be taken in last minute. It was a no go, as they were just swamped but I had to try even after being turned down by telephone. I called Shannon, who has my same procrastination tendencies with this stuff, and he was able to hook me up with his accountant who was kind enough to take me in.

I hate it when I do things that require me to ask people to go above and beyond, due to my own laziness and idiocy. This sweet accountant, who did not have time to see me saw me anyway and helped me right my fuck up. My fuck up, being waiting until the 11th hour to do something that I just didn't want to do. However, in cases like this, there's a marked difference in how I ask, opposed to the customers I faced when I worked at a bookstore a few years ago in a part of Baltimore where common sense and culpability were rare. I owned my fuck up. I knew I was in this position because I put myself there and therefore was at the mercy of others. It was a rarity that someone came to me and said just that, instead of trying to turn their lack of planning into an emergency on my part. Some people were just nuts, and those I could actually deal with. I do okay with nuts. It's people who don't take responsibility for the last minute situation they've put themselves in and came in guns blazing, ready to bully and blame. Oh. Hell. No. It was those who showed respect and culpability who got my damnedest effort. Now, if you go into a retail or customer service situation and the person is an outright tool from the get go, then pull out the guns. But for Chrissakes let them demonstrate that they are a tool, first.

In my case, I completely owned it. I even said, "If you can't do it I'll cut my losses." And I meant it. I was ready to give up before they were. I won't go into details of what it was, but it was something I overlooked from a few years back that needed to be taken care of. Then, getting plenty of notification, and I mean plenty, I sat on it. Not getting it in by the 15th would cost me money. It was now or never, and I found out today by a fluke which was what sent me scrambling. I was willing to accept that. It wasn't life or death. It was just taxes. ;)

Because of my slacking, I won't reap the rewards I could have but I did better than had I decided to forfeit it. And I still feel guilty for even asking. Now, I can get things done like the next person and when shit hits the fan I can pull the plug and cut through it. However, when it's my mess that I made I just feel terrible asking someone to help me out of it. Even when I know they could have said no, like my accountant, and rightfully so. But, for some reason he offered me a hand.

Not only that, but was nice about it. And yes, it helped that I had Shannon call first and explain. But, that's part of the respect.

So, it's finished and yet I'm still thinking about it. Waves of guilt hit me and also bouts of feeling embarrassed that the irresponsible parts of me haven't been tamed just yet. However, unlike before I'm not beating myself up over it. Years ago, I would have. I'd have counted the ways that I was a loser and may have pulled out a few fists of hair. I have a lot of it, so it would be easy to hide the damage. This afternoon, I didn't do that. Like the fuck up, I also own the part of myself that brought me to this today. I know my procrastination doesn't sum me up as a whole and I'm working to improve it. Sometimes I win, some days, it wins.

But because I knew how to approach those who could help me and where to put it emotionally, even had I not achieved my goal...today would have been called a tie.

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