Thursday, March 20, 2008

I'm about to watch Lost so I'll continue this post after it's over. We had a Happy Hour after work today and I sat with co-workers to eat and drink sangrias. It was at a location close to where I live, so I went home to change and freshen up. My coworkers see me at my worst. When you aren't a morning person, you sleep in to the last minute possible and then lie in bed even longer than that. That leaves time to dress, shower if I need to and put my make-up on during the drive to work. Yeah, I'm one of those chicks. But I do it at stop lights and my eyes don't leave the road while driving. As a result, I wear clothes that match to work and get away with the least amount of effort possible. At the Happy Hour, because I'm so close I was able to make myself presentable for going out. To me, that's normal but to my coworkers, I forget they haven't seen me this way very much, if at all. I got a lot of comments when I arrived and hope it didn't look like I'd made too much of an effort. I hadn't. I just don't make a lot of effort when I go to work. Kudos to those of you who can get up and do it. I just can't.

I didn't eat well today so the Cosmo I had at the restaurant went right to my head. Now, I have a bit of the melancholy and am trying not to over analyze why it's settled upon me. I'm just going to let it pass. That, or go get ice cream.

Part of it is that my personal projects have halted for the last few weeks. Shannon and I sat and discussed this feeling of a lack of excitement or drive that we've both been experiencing. I don't know if it's the time of year or what. I told him that we both need to take classes in our crafts. Not because we don't know what we're doing, but because it will get us out of a rut and some stimulation. In my work, I've learned that I'm better, or more motivated when I know there's an audience that will see the end result. It's easy to do that with my professional work, but harder to put myself out there with something that is personal. Something that no one asked me to write but felt compelled to anyway. Classes are good for working those muscles, and in the past I've taken painting classes because it's a safe distance from writing but still creative. Plus, other writers can annoy the hell out of me. They are so into being writers and the caricatures of writers. Sometimes when I bring my laptop to the coffee shop I cringe at myself, thinking I'm one of "them."

Then again, I have to ask what's so bad about being "them?" I think because writer's are such lone operators and can come off as taking themselves way too seriously. Shannon is a photographer, also a lone operator. Perhaps we've both come to the point where we need someone to shake us up and get us to look at our crafts in a different way. And maybe for me, I need to be annoyed by other writers or *gasp* even threatened. Much like that first day in art school when I realized there were a lot of damn good artists out there. I wasn't mature enough to handle that then. I've covered some of the reasons why, one that I was trying to fulfill my New York dreams, that fantasies of living in New York at the same time going to a top art school. Now I have no fantasies that need fulfilling. I'd just like to finish something or be pushed even when it scares or angers me. I'd like to see that I can follow through on my own vision. Sure, I'd like to think I can finish something on my own accord but maybe the truth is that I need to have an arena to show off in order to get motivated.

I think I'm finally realizing that there's nothing wrong with that.

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