Monday, October 16, 2006

I deleted my other blog called Letters to Rob. I've had it for years, and it was the first blog that I started. However, the time has come for me to move on. Not from Rob, but from that time. I'm not forgetting Rob. In fact there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. A few weeks ago, I woke up and said to the ceiling, "Rob, why did you do it?" I was still in a daze, half in sleep and half trying to wake and start the day. I don't know if I'd dreamed about him, or if being half asleep was closer to another world where I felt his loss while waking into the living one.

There are several reasons why I deleted the blog. One, I know that nothing on the web is permanently deleted. I also have a copy of everything that I wrote in a word file. Aside from needing to let Rob go, the blog doesn't represent who I am anymore either. I'm happier now. Stronger. I fought back and got out of the hole. I have bouts of depression, sure. But nowhere near what I was going through then. People who haven't followed my blog from the beginning wouldn't understand who that person was and that she had gotten through that dark time. For me, it was hard to read about how much I was struggling. I just didn't think I needed to advertise it anymore, especially being in the process of trying to bump things up a level and searching for a new job. Sure, if someone really wants to find the blog, it's out there. But, those are perhaps the only people who should be reading it.

Rob was 20 years old when he took his life. I was one of the last people that he spoke to over AIM. I still have days where I still can't believe that he's gone. Many days I wonder what he was thinking when he did it. How could he feel that hopeless?

But, those thoughts are now going to be reserved for me. And, for when I feel like mentioning it on this blog or talking with someone about it. I've rebuilt from that time on many levels. And moved forward. I'm not "there" anymore. I'm here.

And from here, I must move forward.

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