Monday, June 12, 2006

I woke up this morning screaming for help. I screamed so loud I woke myself up out of my dream. The dream was where I needed help, to keep three people from breaking into the home that I lived in through middle school until I left for college. I was yelling at my mom, who had come down in her bathrobe and went about her morning routine as if I wasn't holding the door against three people who wanted to break in. It was one of those frustrating dreams where I couldn't speak, so finally, with all the force I could muster, I managed to scream, "Help me!"

I woke, knowing I'd just screamed it aloud because I could hear myself upon waking. I laid there, shocked, and wondered if anyone heard me since my window was open. If so, did they think I was in distress? As I waited for the knock on the door, the phone rang. I wondered if someone had called 911 and they were calling me to see if I needed the police. I let it ring, still too stunned and out of it to move, and waited for my answering machine to pick it up. It was a woman trying to sell me satellite service. As she said she'd do anything to get my business, I righted my thoughts and sat up. I wondered what else I'd yelled in my sleep.

When I dream, I can have some incredible cursing tirades. Things I'd never say in real life stream from my mouth in my dreams like I have Tourrettes and just took crystal meth. I've many times feared that I'm saying those things in my sleep, and when my window is open, if my neighbors can hear me. I have a digital recorder that can record twelve hours straight. I've thought of putting it on my night table and leaving it on to see if I talk in my sleep. I've been afraid to do it, for fear of what I might find.

I also experience intense emotions while dreaming. In life, I suppress them, but in dreams they are free and magnified. Tears, anger, fear. Without the waking conscious, the subconscious lets loose. I'm much stronger, more animated in my dreams. More connected and human. For lack of a better word, more raw. Then I wake up and things become more sedated.

Even after I've screamed at the top of my lungs for help.

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