Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Something got into me the other night. A wave of motivation that's been eluding me for a long time. I saw a job listing and applied for it, and in doing that physical and mental action of writing the cover letter and sending my resume, something else released. I knew that I had to update my online portfolio since what existed there was a wreck. So, I began to update it. That's when the wave of energy and confidence came over me. I was looking at proof that there was a place where I could shine.

I've always been confident in my work, but rarely felt I was in a place where I was comfortable showing off. I always frustratingly fell short of waking the little girl in me who used to do back handsprings across the gym, the playground, the yard, wherever there was a flat surface that could support double digits of back handsprings. I was such a show off. Even more so at the pool. I swam like a fish and despite my trepidation at my first leap off the high board, was soon doing flips and twists off the spring boards and high board. Trips to pools were a chance for me to outdo the other kids with my diving and swimming skills. I practically spilled out of the car before it parked in anticipation of showing everyone who was boss of the pool. Luckily for me, I didn't run into any 10-year-old phenoms bound for the Olympics.

Oddly, I was wondering the other day where that girl went. Why was she discouraged so easily lately from calling attention to her abilities? Were I still that little girl, it would be the equivalent of anxiously sitting out while I watched kids do cartwheels, all the while knowing I could back handspring, aerial cartwheel, and back flip circles around them.

In my adult years, I no longer want to outshine others, but to shine in another way. That is, to be in a place emotionally where the best of my abilities come out. Through my copywriting jobs, I found a place that comes pretty close to that. So, that night, putting together my portfolio, I felt good, confident and well, right. I worked on it until 5:30AM. I didn't have to work on it all night but was in a zone, enjoying watching the body of work come together and the process of packaging myself so I won't be mistaken for anything but a copywriter, writer, and creative professional. Since I've finished it, I've had several inquiries into my availability, one being that very job that I applied to. As a matter of fact, the very first job that I applied to since the show ended.

I'd be lying if I said that didn't feel good.

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