Monday, January 30, 2006

I've been thinking about this blog a lot lately and the way that it represents my voice. And, the way it doesn't. That uncertainty is a result of the changes I've gone through in the last three years from when I had hit bottom, moved to Baltimore and got really fucking pissed off at the culture shock, then somehow managed to right myself and even though I still don't fit in here, get on a good track. Last Friday night was a great illustration of that when I sat in the director's chair and watched our production crew film the award winning TV show that I work on. That privilege was afforded to me through an invitation by the executive producer when my duties took me to set. I felt weird sitting in that chair, and sat sort of cocked so that the entirety of my undeserving non-director's ass wouldn't be completely in the director's chair. The real director, complete with a deserving director's ass, was inside the rowhouse directing the scene that we watched on monitors under a heated tent. And there I was, sitting in a chair with the words "Director" printed across it on a major television production. Moments like that make me proud, and hammer home how I bounced back on my own in completely foreign territory.

Other moments are getting invited to the creator of the show and his successful author girlfriend's house for a holiday party, then invited to another party, invitation sent in the mail addressed to me, thank you very much, from one of our lead actresses. Partying down at that "off the hook" party and shaking my money maker into the wee hours of the morning.

These events, and others don't define my bounceback but are side effects of it. So my question is, now that I'm kind of bounced back, where does that leave me? What do I do now? Is this a partial test, and the real test of bouncing back resides in Los Angeles? What if I'm not ready? I'm doing work for firms in Los Angeles, but not living there. I'm in the safety of my hidey hole. The projects I'm working on are high profile. Yeah, I can talk about it now because it's launched. Tonight, I'm working on another great project.

So why did I spend a majority of my time blue today? Some of it is hormonal, but some of it isn't. It's the classic, "I've had some good success so something must be wrong," dance that I do with my gremlin. Oddly, it seems that every time I've having these "it's time to kick my own ass" thoughts that I find that someone else is going through the same thing.

Today, one of my coworkers said to me, "Tell me something good, Anne." I'd actually sat down by her desk so that I could get a lift, myself. I came up empty, and she told me that she Googled two former grade school classmates and found they were accomplished. She didn't outright tell me this, but perhaps she read about them on the wrong day and it made her feel like she didn't measure up. Truth is, she does measure up and is a smart, funny, talented person that frequently brings a smile to my face. Also, she's extremely intuitive and has a great boyfriend. She told me about the two girls, and I told her that one of the girl's jobs sounded so boring, regardless of her status, that it could possibly be suicide inducing. That got a giggle. Perhaps that was the something good she wanted to hear.

However, I couldn't offer that same observation about the second girl who was the wild animal trainer. Pretty fucking cool if you ask me.

Once again, I'm not doing a very good job of explaining this recent bout of mild melancholy. Perhaps it's the same as working out a muscle and the pain you experience after. Success. Ouch. Success. Ouch. Fuck. Remembering to breathe. Okay. Hurts a little less now when I try that move again.

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