Monday, November 14, 2005

Another beautiful weekend. I spent it catching up on things to do and putting some money where my mouth is about personal projects. I have a feeling that will go in ebbs and flows, but my work is sure to dictate that.

Yesterday, I saw the neighbor's children playing on the sidewalk in the fallen leaves and it brought back memories. The toddler sat in the pile while her five year old sister swept the pile higher and higher. I asked big sister if she was going to bury little sister, and she looked at me with a devilish grin and nodded. Mom went inside and then came back out with her camera. As little sister basked in her prison made of foliage, big sister swept and swept with her little broom. The pictures will be a classic childhood memory that so many of us have shared.

When I was growing up and heard my dad raking the lawn, I'd jump in the piles of leaves that he had heaped around the yard. I'd lay on my back and let him bury me, seeing the silhouette of the rake against the sky and my dad smiling as he dumped the rust, orange, brilliant yellow, and brown colored leaves on top of me. I then picked them up by armful and put them in the wheelbarrow, trailing my dad as he walked them to the street and dumped them. Back then, because the streets were wide and houses far enough apart, it was legal to burn the piles of leaves. I could ride my bike down the streets on a crisp fall day and see several piles of leaves smoldering. The rich smell of the burning leaves is something that I remember to this day and associate with fall. It was almost an unofficial fall offering, burning leaves and sending smoke to the sky. Remembering this has given me an idea. Perhaps I will collect some leaves and burn them in my fireplace, just to recreate that wonderful scent.

That, and have it as an offering, a symbol of change.

Last night, I did another clutter purge and found a statement from a grocery store where I shopped in Los Angeles, stating that one of my checks had bounced. It was from years ago, during the most dire time of the crash when managing my money was the last thing on my mind. It was embarrassing, because I was a regular customer at that store and had shopped there during my flush times. It was as if they were witnessing my demise or what I thought at that time was the reveal of my true self. I bring it up, because I have no idea why I kept that piece of paper. Probably, at the time I thought I needed it around to remind me of where I'd been, or punish myself for having been there in the first place. When I saw it last night, I knew at once there was no reason to hold on to anything physical from that time of my life. That is, the bad physical things from the dark times during 2001 and 2002.

While most of the clutter was going into a large garbage bag, that went into the fireplace. What a great feeling to see that notice twist and burn. I said softly as the printed letters were burnt into smoldering embers, "never again," and "fuck you."

I think I will look for other bad physical memories like that and burn them, then make my foliage smudge and burn that afterward to cleanse it with the memory of a good time. Therefore, cutting the threads of that spider web that holds me in its snare. There is no reason to have physical ties to "the bad," and I'm sure I'll be surprised and appalled to see what I've held on to because I didn't trust myself to remember on my own that I never want to fall that hard again.

No comments: