Monday, October 24, 2005

I had to fight off a bad case of melancholy today. And I mean bad. I had a weird dream that started it off, coupled with the dreary weather and short days, not to mention feeling like a complete obsolete loser with a big floating neon sign advertising such over my head. And of course, genetics. I mostly kept to myself and did work that fit my mood to keep my eyes cast down and mind busy. Occasionally, a wave of sadness would hit me, at one time so much that I wiped a few tears from my face. These were light tears, nothing that was obvious. Just the occasional finger swipe under the eye and wipe on the jeans kind of tears. Even if I did get busted, allergies are always a good excuse.

Finally, one of my coworkers asked me if something was wrong. At that point, the worst had passed so I was honest. I said that I just had a bad case of the blues that I couldn't shake, and that I was sorry for wearing my heart on my sleeve. I said I was trying to hide it but must not be doing a very good job. She was so sweet, and said that she noticed how quiet I was, that I'm usually full of things to say. Interesting how a subtle change such as quietness can alert people that you aren't yourself. Even in a place of work where quiet is completely acceptable, from me, it wasn't. And my office noise was missed.

I soon found out that I wasn't the only one experiencing melancholy Monday. My mom had a bad case, as did the fiance of the girl at work who asked me if I was okay. I'm still feeling it a bit and it's made me restless at almost 11pm. When I've experienced a day of sadness, the last thing that I want to do is go to bed for fear of that few minutes where I might feel worse. Instead, I'm going to have a Cosmopolitan. Sounds like a perfect remedy to me. My martini glass is already in the freezer. Now, if I only had a warm pan of brownies to go with it. Oh well, the warm cat in my lap will have to do for comfort.

I'm looking at the damage from hurricane Wilma on the news. Millions of people had a much worse day than I did. Still, my day is the only one that I experienced. We're going to get the remnants of the storm tomorrow with strong gusts and lots of wind. It's going to clash with a "noreaster" storm coming south which will push it toward us.

I ran into the coffee shop guy again and could tell that he was glad to see me there and wanted to talk. There's something about it that just makes me uncomfortable, and 75% of my melancholy today was that I've failed to finish the things that I'm working on. So, when this distraction walked in the door I was annoyed. I didn't want to have a conversation so I avoided eye contact for as long as possible, then said hello and kept things light. The place was packed, but of course the table next to me opened up and he took a seat, positioning himself to face me full on with his body. Clearly he was indicating with his body language that he wanted to interact with me, but I kept to my laptop.

*sips Cosmo*

Then, a miracle. A girl asked to share his table with him, and another girl asked me if she could share mine. Now, I was double shielded, and settled back into my great vibe that I was feeling before the flux of discomfort. I was kicking ass, and got up to buy a snack pack, and he got in line right behind me. The line was long, and he again asked how I was. I kept the conversation to me, fearing that even a "how have you been" would open the door wide for an update on the situation he was in. I don't want to become that stranger he confides in. And yes, cousin Lynne, I did get your email and I'm being very careful. I know most of the employees there and am conscious of who is behind me when I leave the place.

I don't like to see anyone hurting, but some things are best kept to a trusted friend, a therapist, or priest, all of which I am not to this person. And now that I am working so much, I feel I get so little time to work on my own projects that unless the distraction looks like that cute Croatian doctor on ER, I don't want to be interrupted.

Okay, now I'm feeling like I can edge toward bed. It's raining steadily and I'm going to crack the window so I can hear nature's ambiance. On Friday, after nearly falling asleep at my desk twice, I went to sleep as soon as I got home, luckily around 7:00pm, and save for one half hour that I was awake at 5am, slept until 12:30 the next day. I guess I needed it.

The movie came back to film their second night last week, but I will write about that later. Funny to see Nicole Kidman walking around in front of my apartment building. They filmed until at least 5:30am, and it was comforting in a way. My windows were open and when I awoke I heard them at work, a huge production and so many people outside my house while I laid comfortably in bed.

Now, that same bed awaits. Thanks to the simple gift of alcohol, the edge is gone. Despite the sadness of the day, I fear not the night.

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