Monday, August 22, 2005

I went to New York to get my hair done. Yes, and I have a post about it but I'm at work and got tired last night. It's a lot of work to keep up this blog. There have been times I've thought of quitting, just to give myself a break. I don't spend hours on it, but it's a lot of emotional energy. I started it as a catharsis, and I want it to stay that way. The moment it becomes work, I just don't know. I keep thinking, that it's too bad I didn't keep one during my fun years in Los Angeles. I feel this blog is me toned down, meaning that I have less adventures, or, that my adventures have become not as adventurous to me as the years pass and things aren't as novel anymore. My journals from those years detail those times, friends, growth experiences, outings, for which I am glad.

I started this blog in the middle of a downfall, projecting a much different person than the one who drove to Los Angeles with $1000 in her pocket and no clue how she was going to survive when she got there. I made my way, house-sitting, making contacts, then friends and working in Hollywood. While in the internet industry, it was all part of entertainment, so Hollywood was always there. Great parties, great fun. Everyone was so excited and positive, myself included. It was infectious. We were building worlds, masters of our universes. The friends I made during that time are the ones that I still have today. I became used to mingling with the faces in the movies and on television at parties and events, and even at my coffee shop and at the bookstore when I took that big first step back into the human race way back when. LA was fun that way, but, I know that mingling with these folks was a good veil for my own dissatisfaction. I guess today is just one of those days that while I know it's good for me not to have it, I'm missing that veil.

This started on Sunday, which is a day that has always been my designated, "I'm gonna kick my own ass," day, I came to a sort of realization that has been forming for a little over a year. I thought about it a lot yesterday as I sat in the coffee shop and more as I got home and stepped around the clutter in my house. That is, that I'm not the type of person to form contacts to do what I need to do. I have a lot of great ideas, ones that in the hands of a more "go getter" type of person would get accomplished. In teams, I'm great. Like I've mentioned before, BMW liked one of my product/car feature ideas well enough to patent it when I was on a team working on a 7-series concept car prototype. That is yet another example of a time that we were masters of our universe.

However, for my own projects and product ideas, I put together a nice presentation, get excited about them, and then let them sit. If I'm feeling really ballsy, I show them to a few people whom I trust to give me an honest opinion, get great feedback, but then get stuck on my next steps. I feel like a brain wasted, a voice silenced, even impotent, overshadowed by the flaws I have as a human being. Not human flaws, but my flaws. Procrastination, easily discouraged, not being able to see clearly how to get from step A to B when it comes to my own projects, lack of confidence, but being able to shine in it to help others because there is no personal risk. I wonder how many other people in the world feel the same way. The ones who have solutions, but lack the extra whatever it takes to see them through. It's a flaw of many artists and writers who don't have a killer instinct. I also leave things unfinished, because when they are unfinished, they are still a work in progress with the potential to be great. Finished, they are subject to success or failure, both of which I fear equally.

Yes, I'm a tad down today. It's not depression, just the blues. The result of feeling blocked. It's not that I can't create, as I know what my creations are, but a blockage keeps them from getting out. As a result, I'm creatively constipated.

When I went to New York, getting on the train early morning and maneuvering around that city by myself, fully confident, autonomous, and organized, I realized how capable I am. I became frustrated all over again because of it. Like effortlessly landing a back flip when no one is watching, but when even one person is in the room, having to put my hand down mid-flight.

Story of my life on many occasions. I'm wondering if this blog has become the same thing. Putting my hand down mid-flight. Sure, it's a risk, but have I really unleashed myself on it? And, is it necessary to do so? Or, have I put too much energy into it that my other endeavors are suffering? Has it made me become tired of my own voice, so nothing that I create seems fresh? I don't know.

I don't think so, but today it's hard to tell. Perhaps I shouldn't blog under the blues.

Too late now.

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