Monday, August 08, 2005

I had a dream the other night that I reconnected with my junior high school crush. It was one of those dreams that I hoped would never end. In the dream, I discovered that he was angry and guarded. Alone, disconnected from his past and the people within it. When I first approached him, he was distrustful of me and my intentions. He vented about the betrayal in his life from those that he thought were friends, and that he never wanted to be a part of the popular crowd in the first place.

I sat and listened, and finally he had vented so much that he had physically tired himself. All through it, I refused to leave his side, and after he realized I wasn't frightened of him no longer being the smiling confident jock, he spoke calmly to me. We connected immediately, and I wasn't afraid either. I felt like I could share anything about myself with this man, (though I wasn't sure of our ages in the dream) and that it would be accepted by him. I was okay with him putting his arm around me and claiming me as his. Okay for once, with being a one of two. I understood what all the fuss was about with finding "the one" and how fast I could be willing to change my life for him.

Change, in becoming part of a pair instead of a singular force. And also, in starting my own life that way in nesting with someone else. And...I liked it. I could relax, felt more protected and that I didn't have to take care of every single thing lest it not be finished. I wasn't giving up anything, which has been my big fear in my fiercely protected world, but instead I was gaining so much more. Most importantly, I felt that someone in the world looked at me like he looked at no other, and finally I had someone who eclipsed the world around me.

I woke up with a sense of peace and comfort. I couldn't wait to tell family and friends and see the shock on their faces. As the hazy area between sleep and wake cleared, those feelings turned into one of regret that it was only a dream. I don't know why this person in the dream manifested in my junior high school crush. After I awoke, I Googled him and wasn't able to find anything.

This has been a question for a long time, why I've been so protective of myself and so distrustful of others. Why elation at meeting a potential mate is immediately shut out by fear. Aside from being a natural "quirkyalone," I think it's because I haven't been able to trust myself and what I would be feeling from one day to the next. Back in 1998 is when I started having anxiety attacks. I became a different person as "freedoms" were stripped from me one by one. Normal outings, in fact enjoyable outings became hostile environments. Movies, restaurants, parties, plays, and oh my God, car rides were absolutely terror inducing. If I wasn't driving, or if someone was in the car with me it was a source for anxiety. On my own, I was ok. I had only me to worry about and if an attack struck then I didn't have to explain it to anyone.

So, I got used to the "on my own" part. It will be hard to undo. But, if this dream is any indication, once I decide to make the jump, the rewards will be invaluable.

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