Sunday, January 16, 2005

It must be the winter.

All those people, cooped up in their homes staring at that monitor, or outside at the winter bleakness. Perhaps they just came in from the cold and need a little warm up. They glance over their shoulders at their computers, or maybe have already jumped on to check email.

They look at the top of their browsers, and that little Google search bar teases them and taunts them, anything they want at their fingertips. Like a genie in a bottle, it's theirs for the asking.

Finally they succumb.

They're the only one home, right? Or, "Fuck it," they think, "I live alone, and who is the dog going to tell?"

They look at the dog.

The dog is looking back at them.

They get up from their desks, lead the dog into another room, and shut the door. They sit back at their computers, looking at that little genie called Google.

The little bar speaks to them, "Do it. You know you want it. I can take you anywhere, show you anything. You dream it, I can get it. Do it."

They sit silent, and move their hands toward the keyboard as a gunslinger in a duel might edge toward his gun.

"Do it," the Google bar says.

They do it. But instead of getting "naked fat straight men jerking off," they get my site. And why? Because somewhere in my site, those words probably occur. Not necessarily in that order, but somewhere in my over 200 posts, it's a good bet they are in there. I flash on the screen like the unwelcome school marm. Instant buzz kill.

They slam their hand on the mouse and hit that back button as soon as possible.

"Maybe she didn't see me," they think, a sheen of perspiration on their complexion. She'll never know I was there. They are safely back on the Google search results page, knowing that one click will take them to those big, fat, straight, naked men, their fleshy rolls quivering like a gelatin mold as they pleasure themselves into orgasmic oblivion.

Or will it?

Maybe in the next one, they will get Dooce.

That Google genie is a nasty little prankster, isn't he?

And yes, that was an actual search. I think the winter has brought out the more perverted sides of people because oh. My. God, some of the searches are quite bizarre. And there have been a ton of them in the last few weeks. Let's just say, there are lots of people looking for some weird pR0n out there. Whatever man, but what really freaks me out is when the person looking for "angry nipples kicking nuts" sticks around my site and reads for a few pages.

I can't help thinking that would be a good title for the porn version of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Google on, people.

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