We've had three warm days in a row here, which always provides such a different state of being for those of us who are affected by our environment. Plus, it introduces sounds that we haven't heard in a while due to people being out more and windows being open. Another change has taken effect for me, in that I'm seeing people that I've never seen before due to my switch to working days again. I get home when it's light, seeing a whole new world in my neighborhood. Pets, people, kids, carpools, bicyclists, wanderers going from here to there, and neighbors.

The longer days have provided many sunsets in my apartment that I'm home to enjoy. My huge windows, which are one and a half times my height, invite the amber rays to cast a kaleidoscope of warm colors on my walls, furniture, floor, tables, couch, and cats as they lie in the window sill and breathe in the fresh spring air, slowly creeping across every surface as they deepen into orange. It's been a much better existence so far.

I haven't updated this week because I'm settling into this new schedule and that will take some getting used to. I've also been busy with a few other projects that have demanded my time. My body is shifting back into being a day person, and there are days like today where it fights back with a vengeance. I groggily wandered around my apartment looking for underwear, my pants, socks, a shirt to wear, and tried to figure out some way for my hair to not look like I suffered an electric shock. My cats swirled around my feet, meowing for their food and tickling my shins.

Before I left for work, I managed to get everything on and right side out, my hair defrizzed, and the cats fed. The time shift is worth it though, as my job has been great and exposed me to so many things in just a short time. Including the part of myself that I've been spending these last two years trying desperately to find. Yes, everything is new and that makes it easier. I can still be safely detached, but involved.

But it's been a long time since I can say even that.

I did double duty this week in the job department. Now, it's my first weekend off and I'm enjoying it with a cat in my lap as I update my blog. It's a beautiful day out, and I'm going to go enjoy it.

This week, as I walked around the store, bits of sadness would poke at my stomach. Not because I was going miss the store particularly, but because I would miss most of my coworkers and seeing them at work. The cafe staff in their aprons, the booksellers and leads in their departments, the music sellers and the lead poking their heads over the bookshelf as I passed by and waving to me.

I will not however, miss the customers. I've made an appointment with the local contracting company to sandblast me naked to remove any bit of them from my person. I may look a little sunburned and scabbed for awhile, and patches of hair might be missing from my scalp, but it's all for a good cause and very necessary.

Speaking of the store, I had an ending to my employment at Barnes and Noble that fell into the "Well, that was FUCKING WEIRD," department. No scene, just a trip into the Twilight Zone that reminded me of the episode, The Eye of the Beholder.

The new job is great, stimulating, eye opening, interesting, fascinating, fun, and really cool. It's going to expose me to things and people, based on the subject matter and the role that I'll play in it, that will I think, rock my world. My coworkers are smart and funny, considerate and writers. Fascinating backgrounds that have evolved into their desire to tell a story and tell it well. Some are very well known novelists who write for the show, as well as ex police officers whose experiences stretch like tendrils all over the city. They can point to a corner and tell me of a crime or murder that happened there. One of them invited me on a casting field trip, as they called it, where they go to the source to find real life people to audition for roles. The trip left me rattled, and saddened. It's so different when you look into the eyes of these people. Our reason for being there broke down the barrier, but I still saw what a delicate tightrope they walked, and the silent heroes who do the best they can to provide them a net.

And it was after that day that I came to the store for my last time. I didn't know it was going to be my last night, as I was supposed to work today. My mind was on what I had experienced earlier in the day, and after being subjected to the utter foolishness of one of the managers that manifested in immature and bizarre behavior toward me, I decided to make that night my last.

So, upon closing, I quietly walked to my locker, picked up my things, crossed off the time on the schedule and walked around to each of my coworkers to say goodbye. I had really busted my hump to honor my two week notice, not to mention, had been a damn hard worker at that store, despite, due to this manager's poor handling of a problem when it was brought to her attention, and what I'd been subjected to by being left unprotected. And to be given such idiocy as a thank you because her inaction had finally snowballed into a major problem, and knowing this manager was closing my last night, I decided I was done. I will elaborate more at some time, but not now.

The funny thing is, I wasn't angry or hurt, just really flabbergasted. My neighbor, who for some reason was up late and invited me over for delicious cooked bananas with chocolate sauce, told me that I had taken control by cutting it off that night, and set my boundaries. We sat at her table in our pajamas and talked late into the evening, touching on the fact that so many people, women in particular let people whale on them and then show up for more.

But not this time.

So when this manager, who was unable to make eye contact with me said, "So, I guess I'll see you tomorrow," I replied, "No, actually, you won't," and after she stopped suddenly in her tracks and muttered a few other odd things, I said goodbye and walked out the door toward my future.

Happy Easter.

Before I start this post, may I say that the Cal and Billy Ripken event went off without a hitch. The woman in question was well behaved, Cal and Billy were great, having fun and both very handsome. Billy would chuck his pen over the bookshelf of the kids department when it ran out, and it was fun to see the kids walking up to them to get their books signed. That is, including the adult kids at heart as well. It was well organized, there were a ton of people that I kept laughing in the line as I recovered the store, and people seemed to be in good spirits, even when Cal and Billy petered out and had to retreat to receiving to sign the rest of the books and not do a meet and greet. Hopefully, I'll have pictures to post soon. All in all, I was damn proud of my store for handling the event as well as they did. Occasionally, a customer who had no idea of the event, and just wanted a regular book would have me ducking under the signing table to get it, since they were doing the signing in the fiction section which was blocked off. So, I saw Cal and Billy from all angles.

And yes, I was thinking of Rob during the event. I thought how much he'd have loved to get a book being the baseball fan that he was. I've never met anyone with the passion and encyclopedic mind for baseball that he had. No one. I thought of getting a book signed to him anyway, but I don't think that I could have held my composure knowing that Cal and Billy would have no idea that they were signing it to someone who had decided to take their own life. Their smiles, the asking of his name, me having to say it like I was just going to mail it to him after the event, and watching them sign it to him knowing he would never hold it in his hands would be too much. So I didn't. I figured I'd let Rob enjoy the event through me. Especially as I was crawling under the table, I knew he was laughing.

I took this photo of my neighbor's yard that was looking beautiful under the otherwise dreary light. It's the only thing bright about today, as it's a soggy miserable day. I've made friends with the cat that lives in the house, an all white cat named Brenda who sits on the white picket fence, blending right in until she blinks her eyes or twitches her tail.

The blooms in the neighborhood are just starting to get gorgeous. I'm so ready for spring, I can't stand it. Enough with the dismal grey already. And enough with the cold air. We've had a few teaser days with warm spring fresh air and sunshine, but not many. I have noticed a difference in the air at night though, when the wind pushes through my curtains, the smell of summer night wafts in. The smell of life outside, instead of the starkness of hibernation. I look forward to hearing the sound of the wind rustling the leaves at night, instead of the shrill howl of it through the bare branches.

And, this new cycle of life, and day of resurrection is poignant both spiritually and personally. While the bitterness of winter and hibernation comes to an end, so has a stage of my own big sleep. Starting tomorrow, due to another job, I will have one week left at the store.

A couple of weeks ago, upon returning from Los Angeles, I began to interview for jobs. I felt a freshness and renewal, and that it was time and I was ready. Like I said before, I wasn't afraid to fly. And I've kept that feeling of being in a holding pattern until it is time to take off. The first interview that I had for an actual job, I landed. It was the one where I felt I didn't perform very well, nor show my personality. But I got the call, and they offered me the position. I guess the world was ready for me as well.

I am going to be a story researcher for an HBO original series that takes place here in Baltimore. It's on its third season, and I will work downtown in a building on the water with the writers, producers, and all the creatives. I'll make in a week what I made in a month working full-time at the store. And this comes no time too soon. My finances are just about as much in the red as they can be.

I'd originally sent in my resume for a position as an office production assistant, but my resume caught the eye of the story department and it was passed up the chain. My background is in entertainment, creative research, editorial production, performing arts, and the Internet for those who don't know of my life before Barnes and Noble. That let to an interview with the creator of the show and the executive producers who felt my background was a good fit for their researching efforts. I've done research a lot in my career, many times not knowing the about the subject matter before I go in, but that doesn't matter. I'm good at hooking into what the project is and what it is that people are trying to create. I think it's because I've done it so much for myself and understand the creative process. Not to mention, being a lifelong observer.

As an example, I was a freelance product researcher on a car prototype for a major "Bavarian" automotive company, not knowing a darn thing about cars before I went in. In fact, as I sat there through the interview, dwarfed by a large round table and sinking into the plush leather chair, to our side a sleek, full-scale clay model of another car prototype dominating the room, I wondered why they even were wasting their time interviewing me for the job. Well, I got it, and half way through my stint there, I thought of a product idea that they wanted to patent. And no, because I was under contract, I didn't get any money for it but my weekly paycheck. One of the car designers came over to me and said, "You're going to have a product on the market before I do," and smiled.

So, I can only hope for the best with this job. It is not permanent, lasting until October, but I think it's come at the right time and can lead to other opportunities once that time comes. At least, I'll be ready and ripe for the challenge of finding them.

The winter has begun to release its icy grip and soften into spring. And that has brought the rain, pouring steadily down on us for two days now. It provides for night drives through mist, shiny streets glowing with red, yellow, and white. Clear drops distorting the road ahead before the windshield wipers swipe them away, making your drive home a constant switch between distortion and clarity.

And that is how the last couple of weeks have gone since my return from California. At times things are very clear and I'm focused on what I need to do. Then, there are the days where I can barely walk through the haze to motivate myself to move. Too many choices, too many things unfinished that I want to get done. Too many roads to take or not take. Too many ideas in my head and thoughts to process. So I stand in the middle of it all, confused at which way will take me forward or if I really want to go forward at all. I wait for the switch, and when the horizon clears, I make my steps in haste to reach the farthest point before the view becomes cloudy again. And I worry, that I am a failure for letting the haze stop me in my tracks.




I took this picture inside Starbucks when I noticed that the setting sun was casting a beautiful light on my table. I was writing in my journal and having one of those good life moments. When sights, sounds, smells, and tastes are collaborating with each other. The taste of coffee matched the amber light, the ambient music matched the lengthening shadows, and the smell of coffee soothed my soul. I was at a loss for words that day, and struggling with what to write in my journal. I think it's because the environment around me was demanding attention. So, I put my pen down and took notice.

Lately, the switch to clarity has remained a little longer than normal, where things are starting to make sense and I'm able to look ahead a bit. I've been able to slow that mad dash down to a trot where I can look around and see ahead even. Perhaps it's the fierce winds that are blowing outside that have cleared the haze, enabling me to plot my course ahead of time.

All this during the time that I'm getting turn off notices from the electric company, and having to pay my rent late. In June, it will go up almost $50 a month. I'm not making it as it is. But like I said, I can see ahead now, and am remaining positive. I'm recognizing that it is time to take action when opportunities arise for me to do so, because what I'm living now is not a life. And I can't help thinking that I've once again repeated the cycle of letting things get desperate before I do something about it, which will always have me playing catch up.

And, I have a long way to catch up. But for now, at least the view is clear for me to see the road ahead.