Saturday, April 03, 2004

The winter has begun to release its icy grip and soften into spring. And that has brought the rain, pouring steadily down on us for two days now. It provides for night drives through mist, shiny streets glowing with red, yellow, and white. Clear drops distorting the road ahead before the windshield wipers swipe them away, making your drive home a constant switch between distortion and clarity.

And that is how the last couple of weeks have gone since my return from California. At times things are very clear and I'm focused on what I need to do. Then, there are the days where I can barely walk through the haze to motivate myself to move. Too many choices, too many things unfinished that I want to get done. Too many roads to take or not take. Too many ideas in my head and thoughts to process. So I stand in the middle of it all, confused at which way will take me forward or if I really want to go forward at all. I wait for the switch, and when the horizon clears, I make my steps in haste to reach the farthest point before the view becomes cloudy again. And I worry, that I am a failure for letting the haze stop me in my tracks.


I took this picture inside Starbucks when I noticed that the setting sun was casting a beautiful light on my table. I was writing in my journal and having one of those good life moments. When sights, sounds, smells, and tastes are collaborating with each other. The taste of coffee matched the amber light, the ambient music matched the lengthening shadows, and the smell of coffee soothed my soul. I was at a loss for words that day, and struggling with what to write in my journal. I think it's because the environment around me was demanding attention. So, I put my pen down and took notice.

Lately, the switch to clarity has remained a little longer than normal, where things are starting to make sense and I'm able to look ahead a bit. I've been able to slow that mad dash down to a trot where I can look around and see ahead even. Perhaps it's the fierce winds that are blowing outside that have cleared the haze, enabling me to plot my course ahead of time.

All this during the time that I'm getting turn off notices from the electric company, and having to pay my rent late. In June, it will go up almost $50 a month. I'm not making it as it is. But like I said, I can see ahead now, and am remaining positive. I'm recognizing that it is time to take action when opportunities arise for me to do so, because what I'm living now is not a life. And I can't help thinking that I've once again repeated the cycle of letting things get desperate before I do something about it, which will always have me playing catch up.

And, I have a long way to catch up. But for now, at least the view is clear for me to see the road ahead.